


How Can I

by blackrainbow



Series: I Swear [2]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 03:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1494727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackrainbow/pseuds/blackrainbow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Changmin loved her a little less. A little less than their first met. A little less than their 100 days celebration. A little less than he loved Yunho.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Can I

Changmin smiled sweetly to her after she fed him another piece of topokki. The sauce smeared on his lips and she wiped it with her napkin. Changmin smiled wider and fed her some from their shared plate.

 

It was nice seeing him so happy. It would make him happy to.

 

And sometimes, Yunho felt tired convincing himself over and over, but again, Changmin’s smile was worth it.

 

Yunho couldn’t deny that he regret his choice to break up with Changmin. But it was impossible to take him again. There was no way back. He had to take the responsibility of the decision he made. And the pain it caused.

 

 

*

 

 

“Is that my shirt you wear?” Changmin narrowed his eyes.

 

“Well,” Yunho looked down to his denim shirt he wore. “You actually have your own.”

 

Changmin blinked. Well, right. They had the same shirt. They bought it together. Because they were too in love to consider that couple things were stupid, and directly bought two exact same shirts, and wore them together, hidden under their thick coat in winter.

 

“I know, Hyung, but is it mine.” Changmin asked.

 

Yunho breathed softly. “It’s mine. It has a stain on the left cuff, look,” he showed the white stain on the edge of the cuff.

 

“But-“

 

_“It’s mine, Yunho!”_

_“Why, they’re the same…”_

_“Yours has a stain on it!”_

_“Aw, but Minnie, isn’t that the point of getting couple items? So you can exchange it with your lover? Isn’t that so sweet? Because I know I’m wearing what’s yours!”_

_Changmin rolled his eyes but silently held his grin. “Alright, alright. So give me yours then. And hurry up, I don’t want to miss a single minute of the movie.”_

“-nothing.” Changmin gulped.

 

Yunho took his leave, didn’t notice the stare Changmin gave him.

 

 

*

 

 

Yunho would look him in the eye, deep, and it pierced his heart. _“Open your eyes, Changmin_ ,”

 

Changmin opened his eyes. To find his girlfriend writhed under him, trashed her head and her long hair sprawled on the pillow. He bit his lip as he pounded, felt the wetness engulfed him in such a heat. Changmin almost screamed when her long fingernails dug into his bicep.

 

“Changmin-“ her voice was breathy and lustful.

 

_“I love you,” he whispered, as he leaned closer and kissed his temple._

 

“Come on, come on,” she moved her hips, tried to meet up with Changmin’s thrust. “I almost- Changmin…”

 

Changmin saw her big eyes, blown away in delicious pleasure, and her thin lips moaning passionately.

 

 _“I love you too, Hyung_ ,”

 

He kissed her when he came, tried to muffled the voice coming out from his mouth, tried to drown his mind.

 

“You’re heavy.” She whispered.

 

“I’m sorry.” Changmin slipped out and moved away to take the space next to her.

 

She got up and took her dress from the floor and wore it. Changmin didn’t realize she had her bra on when they had sex.

 

“You’re leaving?”

 

“I’ve to get back to my dorm.” She said as she slipped on her panties. “The manager is quite strict nowadays. You know, our comeback is next week.”

 

“Oh,” Changmin replied. “Do you want me to drive you?”

 

“It’s okay. I can get a taxi.” She was combing her hair. “See you,” she leaned down to kiss Changmin on the mouth. “Love you,”

 

“Love you too.”

 

As the door closed, Changmin reached to the bedside table to get his phone and checked it.

 

_r u coming home?_

_From: Yunho_

He received the message two hours ago, around midnight. Shit, was Yunho waiting for him? There was a missed call from the older man too.

 

Changmin quickly called Yunho. On the third ring, Changmin thought Yunho must’ve fallen asleep already, and he shouldn’t disturb him. On the fourth ring, Changmin wondered if Yunho was still waiting for him? Maybe he was asleep in the couch. Watching boring reruns of tv shows. On fifth ring, Yunho answered the call.

 

“Hyung?”

 

“Oh, Minnie-ah…”

 

“Hyung, I’m sorry I just read your message. Sorry to keep you waiting,” Changmin put his phone between his head and shoulder, hands busy putting on clothes.

 

“Oh?” Yunho sounded confused. “It’s okay?”

 

“You’re not sleeping yet?”

 

“I’m still in the studio.”

 

Changmin’s hands stopped zipping his jeans. “What?”

 

“I’m with Hyojae, we’re making a new choreography together.”

 

“Oh.” Changmin sat back slowly to the bed.

 

“Yeah… so, you’re not home yet?”

 

“No… I’m in a hotel.”

 

There was a long pause before Yunho replied with an ‘oh’.

 

 _I’m with my girlfriend. We just had sex. No, don’t say it, Shim Changmin_. “I was with my girlfriend.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“If I knew you’re still in the studio, I would’ve brought her home.”

 

“Maybe you shouldn’t. Don’t wanna walked in on you two making out again, Min.” Yunho let out an awkward laugh.

 

“But we can do it in my room.”

 

“… whatever you want, then.”

 

 _Real mature, Shim Changmin_. He could hear the bitterness in Yunho’s voice.

 

“See you later, then. I’m hanging up.”

 

 

*

 

 

“Who was that?”

 

She bit her lip.

 

“I miss you too?!” Changmin repeated what his girlfriend said to the phone. “Who the fuck you miss, huh?” he took the phone from her hand forcefully, she tried to get it back but Changmin didn’t let her. He read the caller’s name and he knew him. A member of another idol group. “You better tell me now and don’t you dare to lie.” He warned, looking right in her eyes, seeking the truth.

 

“We’re just friends, Min. I- we… I’ve known him before I know you and… we’re just friends, really! But we’re close to each other…”

 

Changmin looked away.

 

“I’m sorry, but it’s the true!” she searched for his face. “We’re really, just friends.” She hugged him. “Please believe me, Min.”

 

Then Changmin felt the sparks again. Maybe it was the jealousy that lit the flame of the feelings he had for her.

 

“Please forgive me…”

 

He said nothing.

 

 

*

 

 

“Hyung, I broke up with her.”

 

“I’m sorry, Minnie.”

 

“What… should I do?”

 

 _You shouldn’t ask me that_. Yunho cleared his throat. “It… it’ll be fine.” But Changmin looked at him pleadingly.  Yunho would’ve hugged Changmin. Comforted him. But he just couldn’t. “Changmin, you-“

 

“Hyung, you know she wouldn’t happen if you-“

 

“Min,” Yunho cut him. He couldn’t hear. He didn’t want to. He was afraid of what the younger would say. The impact to their life. “Do you want to drink something?”

 

Changmin looked up to him. Shook his head slowly. “No.”

 

“Well.” Yunho stood up awkwardly. “Then I’ll… I’m going to sleep. And if… if you need me or anything, you can…” he cleared his throat.

 

“Hyung, please,” Changmin hugged Yunho’s hips, tried to stop him from leaving. “Please,”

 

“I’m sorry for your girlfriend, Min. I really am.” He gave Changmin a pat on his shoulder.

 

“Hyung, don’t you get it?”

 

Yunho was still.

 

“Please, Hyung,…” Changmin buried his face on Yunho’s stomach. “I want us together again.”

 

Yunho didn’t want to admit that was what he really wanted too.

 

“Hyung, I’m still… until now…”

 

 _Me too_.

 

“Hyung…” Changmin sobbed. “Can we?”

 

Yunho didn’t want to make any decision he’d regret like what he did in the past. So he hugged Changmin back, caressed his back gently. “I’ll think about it.”

 

But it was a yes for him, when he laid in Changmin’s bed, the man in his arms, hugging him tight. Yunho kissed his temple before they fell asleep.

 

 

*

 

 

“Changdol-ah~,”

 

There was something wet touched the tip of his nose. A lick. And a kiss on his right eyelid, another one on the left.

 

“Changminnie~” Yunho sang. “Baby, wake up,”

 

He could feel Yunho’s pouty lower lip pressed to his eyes. The older man’s body pressed on top of him.

 

Yunho giggled again. “You’ll get the burnt toast if you won’t wake up! Minnie-ah~” he peppered Changmin with little kisses all over his face.

 

And when Yunho kissed his lips, Changmin kissed back, quickly put his hands on Yunho’s head to keep him in place.

 

“Changmin!”

 

He opened his eyes.

 

It was a dream.

 

But Yunho who was standing beside him was real, though. No sunshiny smile on his face like in his dream. No bright eyes looking at him like usual.

 

“Wake up, we have a meeting before the show at 9.” Yunho left the room after he made sure the maknae was awake.

 

When Changmin finished showering, Yunho’s back was facing him, he was wearing his shoes.

 

“Your girlfriend asked if she could meet you in the usual place.” He didn’t turn to face Changmin. “I told her you’ll call later.” He took the bag beside him.

 

Changmin felt cold.

 

Yunho opened the door. “So you better do.”

 

 

*

 

 

“Why are you like this?”

 

Yunho didn’t talk, he didn’t even look at him. But when the camera rolled, he’d be the reliable loving leader self again. And it hurt Changmin knowing that it was all just an act. Because Yunho would ignore him again in the end of the day. Looked out to the window in the car ride. Just answered his questions if they were about work.

 

“Stop it.”

 

Changmin sighed and looked at his girlfriend. “Stop what.”

 

“You know what I’m talking about.” She looked at him half sad, half frustrated.

 

But the thing was, Changmin _did not_ know. So he looked back to the river in front of him. They were sitting side by side on one of the bench, watched the sun went down slowly.

 

“Why are you doing this to me?”

 

What was he doing to her, anyway?

 

“I’ve told you he’s just a friend, Changmin…” she shifted to sit closer to him.

 

Changmin pulled down his hat.

 

“But you-“ she stopped.

 

Changmin said nothing.

 

“Do you trust me?” she whispered.

 

“I do.” Changmin answered honestly.

 

“Then…” she searched for his eyes. “Do you still love me..?”

 

Changmin loved her a little less. A little less than their first met. A little less than their 100 days celebration. A little less than he loved Yunho.

 

“Changmin,” she almost pleaded. “Do you?”

 

Changmin could see her thin fingers on top of his hands. They felt cold.

 

“Changmin-ah…” she sobbed, buried her face on Changmin’s right shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry.” Changmin wiped the tears off her face. “But I loved you. You need to know that.”

 

 

*

 

 

Yunho was on his way meeting Hojoon, they’d have a dinner together, maybe drink a little. Or more, he didn’t mind. After he closed the door, he just remembered that he left his phone in the apartment.

 

He wondered if he should take it… or no? Well. Just in case, Yunho went back upstairs to take his phone. It was still on the table.

 

When he was in the parking lot, turning on the car engine, his phone rang. Kyuhyun called.

 

“Yunho Hyung?”

 

“Yes, Kyu? What’s up?”

 

“So uh…” Kyuhyun cleared his throat awkwardly. “Changmin is a little drunk, well- not a little. And he’s… kinda passed out-“

 

“What?!”

 

“I don’t know Hyung, he’s… calling your name and…”

 

“Huh?” and Yunho could hear Changmin’s ramblings. _“Is that Yunho Hyung? It’s Yunho, right? It’s Yunho?”_

“Hyu- wait- yah, Changmin! Stop- don’t do that! Yah Shim-… I’m sorry Hyung, but can you please get him?”

 

Yunho sighed. “Send me the address.”

 

If only he just left his phone. If only.

 

 

*

 

 

“Yunho Hyung… Hyung… where is he?”

 

Yunho sat next to the younger and closed the door.

 

Changmin slumped on him during their taxi ride home. Face flushed red and reeked of alcohol. “Hyung… I’m sorry Hyung…”

 

“I’m sorry Sir, but can you take another road?” Yunho asked the taxi driver, seeing the traffic in front of them.

 

“Of course, but I’m afraid everywhere will be crowded around here. Weekend and all.” The driver looked at him through the rear window.

 

“Sure.” Yunho gave him a smile.

 

“Hyung, please forgive me will you..? Hyung…” Changmin whined, head fell on Yunho’s shoulder.

 

Yunho didn’t answer.

 

“Hyung, I’m really sorry… I can’t… if you… I really broke up with my-“

 

“Min.” Yunho stopped his words. He caught a glance of the driver from the mirror. “Stop it. Talk later.”

 

“But later you’re gonna ignore me!” Changmin said, slapped Yunho’s thigh with zero power. “And you just gonna leave again…”

 

Yunho sighed.

 

“Why don’t you believe me, Hyung? We’re really over, I promise. And no matter how much I apologize, you never-“

 

“Shut up, Changmin.” Yunho let out his leader tone. Firm and heavy. And it startled the younger, shut him all the way.

  
The rest of the ride filled with Changmin’s quiet sob, and he was wetting Yunho’s jacket with his tears. Yunho hardly pulled Changmin out from the car and paid more than enough tip to the taxi driver. He dragged the maknae to their apartment and put him to bed.

 

Yunho took off the younger’s shoes and jacket. His shirt was drenched with sweat and spilled liquor, and he opened the buttons. He went to the bathroom to wet the towel to wipe Changmin’s body clean, but suddenly the younger barged in.

 

Changmin hunched over the toilet and spilled all the liquid in his stomach. He took one, two deep breath, before puked for the second time. Yunho leaned down and massaged his neck gently, urged him to let it all out.

 

When Changmin lifted up his head, his face wet with drool and tears, there were trails of his puke on his cheek. “Hy… Hyung…”

 

Yunho wiped his face with his hand.

 

“Hyung…” Changmin cried. “Hyung please…”

 

Yunho stood up to get the wet towel and wiped Changmin’s face, neck, and shoulder. He took off the shirt and wiped his back and chest. Changmin was still sitting on the bathroom floor with Yunho kneeled in front of him, taking care of him.

 

“Hyung, please, talk to me…”

 

Yunho didn’t say anything.

 

“Hyung… please… I’m sorry…”

 

“What are you sorry for?” Yunho asked as he stood up and cleaned the towel.

 

“I’m sorry… that I let you go.”

 

“But I let you go too.” Yunho looked down to the pitiful man.

 

“But I didn’t try to get you back.”

 

“You need to sleep.”

 

“Hyung,” Changmin hugged Yunho’s leg, prevented him from leaving. “Don’t leave me.”

 

“I’m not leaving. I’m here right now.” Yunho stayed still.

 

“Then don’t ignore me anymore.”

 

Yunho crouched down to look Changmin in the eye. “Do you know why I ignore you?”

 

Changmin just stared back with his red teary eyes.

 

“Because it hurts, Min. I hate myself for hating you. You who’s in love with someone else, although that’s your right, and I have nothing to do with that.”

 

“But I love you Hy-“

 

“Changmin,” Yunho cut him. “You’re drunk.”

 

“Do you know why?” Changmin leaned closer to the man in front of him. “It’s because of you…” he sobbed. “I just… I just want to come back. To… when we’re together. You. And me, Hyung.”

 

“We’re both agreed to end it, Min.”

 

“But don’t you love me anymore, Hyung?” Changmin looked at him deeply. “Don’t you, Hyung?”

 

Yunho sighed and stood up.

 

“Do you love me, Hyung?”

 

Yunho softened. “Go to bed, Changmin.”

 

Two hours later, Yunho found Changmin in his bed. He rearranged the blanket to cover the younger properly. He brushed the furrowed eyebrows with his thumb gently, and wiped the frown on his lips.

 

 _You make him like this, Yunho_.

 

And Yunho knew he wasn’t in a better condition than him.

 

He couldn’t deny the fact that his heart hurt bit by bit, seeing Changmin with his girlfriend, being lovey dovey every now and then. Short but sweet phone calls before they started the day and stupid romantic texts when they headed home from their schedule.

 

Yunho knew Changmin could be a perfect boyfriend if he wanted to, he knew how to romance his special someone and actually care about his lover a lot, though he didn’t really show it.

 

Yunho was on his way letting Changmin go. He was slowly being okay with that. He was _almost_ able to accept the fact that Changmin could be happy without him, that he didn’t need him as much anymore.

 

But now.

 

His little dongsaeng looked so weak and vulnerable. And it just broke the defense wall Yunho had built for so long. So now, how could he do that? How could he stop his feelings to the younger man? How could he stop loving him?

 

After he knew Changmin didn’t stop either.

 

 

*

 

 

Changmin didn’t remember what happened last night, but he woke up in his bed. Unsurprisingly extremely dizzy but surprisingly clean and naked. He was sure he puked at least twice.

 

Yunho bought chicken soup from the family restaurant downstairs, and Changmin felt grateful as the older man asked if he was feeling okay.

 

“Did something happen last night?” Changmin asked.

 

“Nothing.” Yunho answered lightly. “Looks like you got too much to drink, consider you’re quite a good drinker.”

 

“Well. I have the reason for that.” Changmin slurped the soup slowly. _It’s you, Hyung_.

 

“Huh.” Yunho said as he put the aspirin on the table for Changmin.

 

“Thank you,” Changmin grinned for the kindness. It was usual, but thinking about how Yunho being cold to him lately, he couldn’t help but feeling happy inside.

 

Yunho hummed and took his shower. Changmin used the bathroom afterwards, and found that Yunho was waiting for him. They had a practice for their comeback. The drive to SM Building was quiet, but they both know the tension was gone.

 

They met one of the manager on their way to the studio.

 

“Oh, Yunho! Changmin!”

 

“Hello, Seungwon Hyung, how are you?” Yunho bowed and Changmin followed.

 

“Fine, fine… ah, right! I want to invite you to my wedding party!” Seungwon smiled as he shook their hands.

 

“Really? Congratulations, Hyung!” Yunho smiled.

 

“Yes… in two weeks.” Seungwon said. “And oh, Yunho, you can bring your girlfriend too,” he winked.

 

Yunho laughed awkwardly.

 

“You have a girlfriend?” Changmin couldn’t wait but asked.

 

“She’s just a friend.” Yunho replied calmly.

 

“Yeah, right,” Seungwon teased. “They went for a couple of dates and she’s crazy all over him,” he whispered to Changmin but loud enough for Yunho to hear.

 

“Aish, Hyung,” Yunho shook his head.

 

Changmin tried hard not to glare to anybody so he looked down.

 

“I’ll give the invitation later. See you!” Seungwon left.

 

“Who is she?” Changmin asked as they entered the elevator.

 

“She’s an actress. Kangin set us up in a blind date and you know him, right. He kinda told everybody-“

 

“But me.” Changmin cut. “Why don’t I know about this?”

 

“Maybe you’re busy with your girlfriend.” Yunho looked away.

 

“They why don’t you tell me, Hyung?” Changmin insisted.

 

“Because we’re just friends. I don’t like her that way.” Yunho replied. “She’s pretty but…”

 

“She’s not nice?” Changmin continued.

 

“Well…”

 

Changmin felt a bit happy. Yunho was all about inner beauty. No matter how beautiful her face or how sexy her body was, if she had a bad personality, then game over.

 

“She’s nice.” Yunho said.

 

Changmin wilted.

 

“I just think she doesn’t know me that well. And I don’t know if she fits me.”

 

Changmin forgot to walk out from the elevator and he hurriedly followed Yunho to catch up with him. “But you’re not going to date her, right?”

 

Yunho hummed as he entered the studio.

 

“Hyung?”

 

 

*

 

 

They just finished the radio show and on their way to their next schedule. Changmin opened the green tea bottle for Yunho and offered it to the older man.

 

And when the ride got a little bumpy, Yunho spilled the tea to his shirt.

 

Changmin wiped it with the tissue he carried in his bag.

 

They exchanged a smile, and suddenly laughed.

 

Manager Hyung looked at them confusedly, but said nothing.

 

“Let’s stay like this, Min-ah,” Yunho said as they walked inside a tv station building.

 

“… like this?”

 

“Like this.” Yunho said again. “Like hyung and dongsaeng.”

 

“Oh.” Changmin didn’t know what to feel. He sure wanted more of Yunho for himself, not just as a Hyung.

 

But Yunho gave him such a kind and sweet smile, made him felt warmth spread all over his body. “Like this, we won’t hurt each other, right?”

 

So Changmin smiled back. “Okay, Hyung.”

 

They’d take the chance. They’d take the risk. And for now, that was their decision.

 

 

*

 

 

Yunho was laughing his ass off as Changmin finished with his hair.

 

“What the fuck, Hyung, why you look normal?!”

 

“You look normal too, you know.” Yunho blinked the tears forming in his eyes and wiped them with his finger.

 

“Why are they doing this to me.” Changmin eyed Yunho’s unfairly cool hairstyle, the fringe swiped to the side softly and framed the man’s face gorgeously. “Are they doing this according to the concept of our comeback?”

 

“You’re still looking good, Changmin-ah.” Yunho tried to comfort the younger. Though himself wondered why Changmin looked like this, he was so fucking gorgeous during the photoshoot, but why was this happening.

 

“Hyung, I look like an orange.” Changmin saw his reflection on the mirror. “It thought you’d be… lime, or something.”

 

“I can be your lime, okay, it’s alright.”

 

Changmin bared and clenched his teeth in anger.

 

“Can you not- do that? It kinda makes you look ridiculous.”

 

Changmin glared to his leader.

 

“But cute.” Yunho quickly added. “Extremely cute.”

 


End file.
